“A brick could be used to support a wobbly table. Who got that table drunk, anyway? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every leap year I like to jump. It’s a good way to get my daily exercise in every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Daily exercise Copy Share Image
“I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet's toga.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!” — Jarod Kintz Economics Copy Share Image
“Sunburns are so embarrassing that they always make me blush all over.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think homeless people, like rainwater, are better off in street gutters, rather than just hanging out on my roof.” — Jarod Kintz Homeless Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to bring it up, but you do live on the top floor and the elevator’s broken. So that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest—I’ll be proving… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought two items to get a third free, and then I returned the two. I should be Shopper of the Year” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“He said he had an English degree, and I said, “I’m sorry to hear you’re jobless.” I need to network with people… — Jarod Kintz Jobless Copy Share Image
“Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“As early as 1,000 BC, man had to wait nearly 3,000 years to talk to me. And my first words to the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She made amazing artwork. While I focused on the absurd, trying to make the strangest juxtapositions possible, her work was delicate and… — Jarod Kintz Artwork Copy Share Image
“God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“Dear Miss Hummingbird, The leaves are turning green now, but not with envy. But they should be envious, because I, Jarod Ora… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies,… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
