“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ” — Jarod Kintz Leisure Copy Share Image
“I sleep on the coasts of my bed, but I make love in the Midwest.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.” — Jarod Kintz Character Copy Share Image
“If I had chlorophyll instead of blood, I’d have ivy in my IV (not Roman numeral four).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The window of life is mirrored. And tinted. And shattered. And borrowed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. ” — Jarod Kintz Libertarian Copy Share Image
“A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“God gave man two ears and one penis hole for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to hide my shame and cover my insecurities. But so could a camouflaged condom. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t look for faces in clouds, I look for clouds in faces. And the best place to look is at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to find the Fountain of Youth, because I’m searching for the Fountain of Wisdom. The last time I thought… — Jarod Kintz Fountain of youth Copy Share Image
“Knowing more people is not important in growing your business. However, more people knowing you is the key to wealth. Be a… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My fur coat doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, because it’s self-cleaning. It’s constantly licking its fur to keep itself clean. Beats… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and… — Jarod Kintz Drinking water Copy Share Image
“I wrote a song called "Stinky Sodomite." It isn't a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it… — Jarod Kintz Pop song Copy Share Image
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only an asshole would buy that.” Then I think,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write… — Jarod Kintz Best teacher Copy Share Image
“In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three… — Jarod Kintz Louis Xvi Copy Share Image
