“I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“We should kill the future, so the present has no choice but to retreat into the past.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I didn’t call her, but the phone works two ways. So does my love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness. ” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can… — Jarod Kintz Reality Copy Share Image
“He looked like a raccoon, so I told him to take off his coonskin cap. So he did. Then he looked like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I just broke into her car… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wind held the door open for me, and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?” — Jarod Kintz Breeze Copy Share Image
“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love, like glue, is a four-letter word that ends in “e,” only much stickier. And I used to eat it as a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A funeral home is like a grocery store of death. Are there any discounts in the meat department?” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Thanks,” I said, “have a great day.” And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I’ll get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the going gets tough, the tough give thanks for their mountain bike. I’m so rugged even cavemen would call me Xtreme.… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“When you’re as ugly as I am, you need all the beauty sleep you can get. I’ll be in the restroom resting… — Jarod Kintz Beauty Copy Share Image
“I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with… — Jarod Kintz Cheap labor Copy Share Image
“In the midst of the mist lies a mystery that only The Mythical Mr. Boo can solve. Nothing is more mystical, more… — Jarod Kintz Matters of the heart Copy Share Image
“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“-Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are. -What makes you think I don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“However, my next-door neighbors had an entirely different manner of eating. When I’d go over there for dinner, it was buffet style,… — Jarod Kintz Eating Copy Share Image
“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent a thing. Now this thing is curious, because it represents an idea. This idea is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
