“I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you the key to my heart, if you promise not to make duplicates.” — Jarod Kintz Key to my heart Copy Share Image
“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.” — Jarod Kintz Gas Pedal Copy Share Image
“I don’t eat food with silverware—I use sponges. I always clean my plate.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’d rather play with small quantities of large people than large quantities of small people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s not a person alive who is ugly. Now dead people, they disgust me.” — Jarod Kintz Dead people Copy Share Image
“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love? ” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.” — Jarod Kintz Physics Copy Share Image
“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You could say I lost my cool when I got heckled, but I wasn’t cool to begin with. Man, those nursing home… — Jarod Kintz Knitters Copy Share Image
“A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The answer is three, I said as I held up three fingers—my middle through my pinky—and I formed a loop with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Best spent so much time eating grass that he began to think he was a cow. But that still doesn’t excuse… — Jarod Kintz Bestiality Copy Share Image
“A blanket can be a statement—a generalization and truism covering a multitude of categories, like corruption, ineptitude, ignorance, arrogance, greed, and sloth—which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Mrs. Indianapolis was in town again. She looked like a can of Sprite in her green and yellow outfit. She always likes… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and your tears were so salty I decided to collect your sadness to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“This book is destined to make waves no matter which ocean you throw it into. This is the first book Jarod's put… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
