“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Getting to know somebody new—it’s part of the fun of avoiding people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My watch has two hands. So do I. I’d better watch my watch to see if it also masturbates.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“If you ask me to describe what I look like, I’ll simply say, “I look like my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with… — Jarod Kintz Cheating Copy Share Image
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.” — Jarod Kintz Inflated Copy Share Image
“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians… — Jarod Kintz Good ideas Copy Share Image
“How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied.… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“Both sexes have assholes, and both sexes have nipples. Yet only asshole is a genderless derogatory term. In the name of equality… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Zebras are the lions of the animal world. I mean they would be, if lions weren’t already the lions of the animal… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“The Chair I’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chair look like a throne while you sat on it. Amidst… — Jarod Kintz Holy water Copy Share Image
“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Have you ever wanted to learn Geometry, Calculus, Physics, German, and the mystical teachings of Orafoura? Well, now you can! Just not… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how to live a richer, fuller, more satisfying life. Don’t you want to have… — Jarod Kintz Atom bomb Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz French revolution Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
