“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.” — Jarod Kintz Christmas Copy Share Image
“I’m a stand up guy. Especially when compared to someone sitting down.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don’t drive—I’m driven.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to drive a parking lot, and I’d always park it directly under somebody’s car.” — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“When I'm on a backhoe, I'm shaping clay. I am a sculptor. I am a farm artist.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made an ice sculpture that represents my love for you. It never melts.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m interested in portraying the internal workings of things externally out of work.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whenever I schedule an appointment, my general rule of thumb is, tomorrow is better than yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you put a long-haired wig on and ask nicely, I might sit on your back and ride you like a horse.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a natural salesman. I sold my soul to the devil. I’m so shrewd that I got pennies on the dollar for… — Jarod Kintz Devil Copy Share Image
“The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gathered my courage like nuts and berries, I cautiously approached her, I waited for her to turn her head, and then… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out which you really prefer, because as the… — Jarod Kintz Flipping Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener… — Jarod Kintz Best day Copy Share Image
“The best description of this book is found within the title. The full title of this book is: "This is the story… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I… — Jarod Kintz Middle of the night Copy Share Image
“Apple is the Ferrari of the computer world. I’m not sure if the “engine” is superior, however, but the frame sure is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dating is all about getting to know somebody, without wasting a lot of time or money. What is the price of love?… — Jarod Kintz Assembly line Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You looked so beautiful that I felt compelled to say something. So I said, “The fish… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made… — Jarod Kintz Divine intervention Copy Share Image
“Dear Mr. Peacock, I miss your plumage, and I’m flummoxed by your plummeting desire to be desired. You’re like an albino in… — Jarod Kintz Dwell on the past Copy Share Image
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
