“It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.” — Jarod Kintz Knitting Copy Share Image
“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.” — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“It’s hot as a watermelon in this cantaloupe called pineapple. And that’s a fact.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Lay on me, and let my heat escape up to you, while you’ll act as my insulation and blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Heat Copy Share Image
“If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.” — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.” — Jarod Kintz Stalking Copy Share Image
“Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say,… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“I have a pet frog. He sleeps in a king-sized bed, just in case he happens to be an undercover prince.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cube. No it couldn’t. If you thought it could, you need to be punished. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The worst book I’ve ever read is “Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Buying Copy Share Image
“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“But they soon found out that Robert just wasn’t personable, which isn’t surprising since Robert isn’t a person. While Robert was always… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fredrick gazed into the deep blue eyes of Jackson for a few seconds before answering. “I’d like the best room in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump of clay, because no matter what… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“A Cyclops on a unicycle juggling three giant eyeballs couldn’t compare to the balanced vision my writing presents. In fact, noted linguist… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why… — Jarod Kintz Free time Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz was born in Salt Lake City to a family of five. One father, and four mothers. Jarod moved around a… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot On my bed, my green comforter… — Jarod Kintz Berlin wall Copy Share Image
