I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will… — Jarod Kintz Mailman Copy Share Image
“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a… — Jarod Kintz Gifts Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Founding fathers Copy Share Image
“Met a guy named Bill once. We met in Williamsburg and discussed the Bill of Rights and duck’s beaks.” — Jarod Kintz Bill of rights Copy Share Image
“Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Do you know a man better than me?” I asked her. “Yes,” she replied. “Great,” I said, “then run to him. Run… — Jarod Kintz Better man Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
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“Growing up, my bedroom was like a garage, only much smaller and with more lawnmowers in it (we had to store them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Our romance lasted a few months. I was so deflated the day I lost my air pump and couldn’t blow love into… — Jarod Kintz Deflated Copy Share Image
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The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short. — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
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“I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
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“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
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“I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I asked you out to coffee, and you said, “No thanks. I’m a recovering insomniac.” I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“In a blind study conducted by jarodkintz.com, 8 out of 10 people were fans of Helen Keller. 2 out of the 10… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I want to buy “A Touch of Gray,” because I’d look more distinguished with a touch of gray in my hair. Also,… — Jarod Kintz Gray hair Copy Share Image
“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have sex in the backseat of my car, but from back there, how would I be able to hit the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
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