“I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is… — Jarod Kintz Hot sauce Copy Share Image
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom. And I am the flute at the nudist colony, if you know what… — Jarod Kintz Animal kingdom Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t mean to drown him. But the soup was right there, and he was just a spoon. He wasn’t just a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks are practically defenseless, and as a result, they have many predators. There are foxes, coyotes, wolves, raccoons, bobcats, hawks, and Janet… — Jarod Kintz Coyotes Copy Share Image
“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them is my ball sack.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You wouldn’t remove a wristwatch with a hacksaw, just like you wouldn’t remove an employee with Vanishing Varnish. Vanishing Varnish doesn’t remove… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom,… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with… — Jarod Kintz Cheap labor Copy Share Image
“In the midst of the mist lies a mystery that only The Mythical Mr. Boo can solve. Nothing is more mystical, more… — Jarod Kintz Matters of the heart Copy Share Image
“It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so… — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s one thing to say you love snakes, but it’s another to actually live the lifestyle. How many people, myself excluded, spend… — Jarod Kintz Early morning Copy Share Image
“Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one… — Jarod Kintz Army Copy Share Image
“I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life has been going downhill ever since I stopped pedaling on my bicycle. But I suppose that’s a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you want me to have sex with you, I’ll have sex with you. If you want me to love you, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This financial crisis in Europe would have left Greece in Ruins, but it’s been that way for 2,000 years.” — Jarod Kintz Europe Copy Share Image
“You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“It’s so windy outside that there are waves in my cereal bowl. I was out of milk, so I poured pool water… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing the costume of a customer, and it smells cheap. Can you pass me the coupons, please?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody can rush out and… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like color commentators. Especially red, white, and blue color commentators. As an American I sometimes feel so patriotic I feel British.” — Jarod Kintz Blue Color Copy Share Image
“I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I floated like driftwood in the ocean. I wasn’t worried about sharks, because my bathtub is much too shallow.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Days turn into weeks, which turn into months, which turn into years, which turn into decades, which turn into cemeteries. But love… — Jarod Kintz Love Is Eternal Copy Share Image
“Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn’t enjoy the second.” — Jarod Kintz Goodbye Copy Share Image
