“A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No, lady, you didn’t have sex with me, you had sex with my clone. I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to move to Hollywood and audition for parts just so I can say, “I’m not an actor. I just play… — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“I consider seeing my 30th birthday an accomplishment. You know, not many midgets live to be this tall.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve learned to not let rejection bother me. How can it bother me, when all the people who’ve rejected me have been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know… — Jarod Kintz Enemy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What if dating apps are mostly populated by Deep Fakes, designed to get you to waste your life swiping right and keep… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the center of a silver platter, surrounded by leafy green garnishes to compliment the red of… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving… — Jarod Kintz Good food Copy Share Image
“She told me she might not be there when I get back, and I got so angry I said something stupid. I… — Jarod Kintz Angry Copy Share Image
“Issues need to be addressed. So do boxes of bricks that need to be mailed. Make the shipping label out to Kat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never have taken it out of its… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A uniform is like a paint job on a person. I like women who drive cars that are painted like Catholic school… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step… — Jarod Kintz Penalty Copy Share Image
“The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave the rest to you. Then, once you’re finished with the last part, I’ll leave you to rest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can Grandma like nobody’s business. Hey, mind your own, grandpa, before I go all Uncle Sam on your ass.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about teamwork, is me collecting all the prize money. Hey, that’s what captains are for, right?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.” — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.” — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“He had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and an erection the size of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one… — Jarod Kintz Nude Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
