“A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wonder if Seal got his name because it looks like his face was mauled by a Great White shark?” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.” — Jarod Kintz Humanity Copy Share Image
“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.” — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll… — Jarod Kintz Withhold Copy Share Image
“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people put more thought into what kind of car to buy than what kind of mate to marry. I think that's… — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ducks give me eggs, and I took two of those eggs and nurtured them under a dome to produce two ducklings.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The word “Building” makes a completed structure seem under construction. Once a building is finished, it should be called a “Built.” Similarly,… — Jarod Kintz Architecture Copy Share Image
“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and… — Jarod Kintz Feeling depressed Copy Share Image
“Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out… — Jarod Kintz Football coach Copy Share Image
“I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean,… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes… — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would like an extra tight vagina, in a to-go box please. Can I get it with extra gravy on top?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to a networking event once. I passed out before I passed out my business cards. My business was called Blacked… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it… — Jarod Kintz Benches Copy Share Image
“We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture… — Jarod Kintz Bigfoot Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery.… — Jarod Kintz Joy Copy Share Image
“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made… — Jarod Kintz Promise Copy Share Image
“Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In Bougainville, the only flower that grows is the Bougainvillea. In Gainesville, the only thing that ever gets lost are gains. In… — Jarod Kintz Gardening Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Reginald “If” Ifa IV died today. His last words were, “Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
