“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some… — Jarod Kintz Fast food Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be assassinated. It’s not like I’m doing anything this evening. Inevitably there’ll be a parade, so just remember your umbrella.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve lost many things, and many people, but thankfully I haven’t lost my life, or any of my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish… — Jarod Kintz Farmers Copy Share Image
“I don’t have a motorcycle, but I do have a picture of a motorcycle helmet. And a photo of a half-eaten Big… — Jarod Kintz Adrenaline Copy Share Image
“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes were blurry from being in love, and my feelings were as furry as Bigfoot. I thought I spotted Her, the… — Jarod Kintz Bigfoot Copy Share Image
“I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to make her a greeting card, but as far as I got was folding the paper in half. I left… — Jarod Kintz Greeting card Copy Share Image
“Even if there were only seventeen syllables left in the universe, I still don’t think The Mythical Mr. Boo would write a… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“The only way I’ll ride a horse is if that horse is in a wheelchair, being pushed by a 99-year-old paraplegic.” — Jarod Kintz Horse Copy Share Image
“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“Maybe is such a gray response. It is the raincloud of answers, and if you say it too much I won’t Noah… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves. — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my dream I woke up to realize I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Then I slowly remembered that… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Hemingway suggested you write the truest sentence you know. I say write the falsest one you don’t know. This is fiction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, “Free sex with room.” ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to line the pockets of the politicians, the way the people’s money once was, as we drop them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m hoping my routine will break me out of my rut. If I keep spinning my wheels, I’m bound to become a… — Jarod Kintz Bicycling Copy Share Image
“Much to my delight, I found her panties to be full of mashed potatoes—but I had to supply all the gravy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.” — Jarod Kintz Nature Copy Share Image
“The best place to hide gold coins is in a treasure chest filled with those circular chocolates that are coin-sized and wrapped… — Jarod Kintz Gold coins Copy Share Image
“I’m not that afraid of heights. I’ve been 7,000 feet above sea level. Just so long as the land is flat, with… — Jarod Kintz Heights Copy Share Image
“Love, like lightning, can strike anytime. That’s why I say tinfoil is not just for leftovers—it’s for channeling romance into your life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago.… — Jarod Kintz Cell phone Copy Share Image
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my… — Jarod Kintz Patriotic Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
