“Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.” — Jarod Kintz Sun Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A good day is when the Oscar Meyer hotdogmobile crashes into a truck carrying Heinz ketchup, because who doesn’t like free hotdogs… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“There are so many cheeses that I can't keep track of all their names. The dairy farmers should simplify things and name… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s not already written, I want to write a book called, “The Art of Raw.” But instead of using my real… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and the police’s and murder victim’s wife’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m about to crash for the night, and I’m wearing a bicycle helmet to bed. I make love as if Lance Armstrong… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was joking about my clones to my family when my uncle Herman said, “Don’t do that. Don’t make fun of yourself… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“-You don’t want to come out and celebrate with me tonight? What’s more important than the fact that I just got a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade… — Jarod Kintz Fifth grade Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a mule. Sure, you could argue it’d be better used as a donkey, but I’d counter… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what… — Jarod Kintz Loser Copy Share Image
“Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often feel like a camel in the mountains, and a goat in the desert. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the… — Jarod Kintz Music Copy Share Image
“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out… — Jarod Kintz Coffee shop Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I’m looking for a man— -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?” — Jarod Kintz Looking for a man Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A love like mine is rare. So is the steak I just sent back to the kitchen. But you’d damn well better… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell the time. If you can see it it’s daytime, and if you can’t see it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write… — Jarod Kintz Cursive Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
