“The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one… — Jarod Kintz Banker Copy Share Image
“I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlorella is condensed algae from Japan… — Jarod Kintz Hard candy Copy Share Image
“I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years. No, farther. Five… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I… — Jarod Kintz Salesman Copy Share Image
“I drew the outline of a flag blowing in the wind. I decided to leave it an outline, because that made it… — Jarod Kintz Flag Copy Share Image
“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out… — Jarod Kintz Logic Copy Share Image
“I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as… — Jarod Kintz Struggle Copy Share Image
“The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I swam in the neighborhood peel. I mean pool. I guess I threw that pee in there because the swimming experience left… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many… — Jarod Kintz Flattery Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a cat. Wait, I have that backwards. A cat could be used as a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Reginald “If” Ifa IV died today. His last words were, “Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with… — Jarod Kintz Heart transplant Copy Share Image
“When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production… — Jarod Kintz Olfactory Copy Share Image
“If I only had one eye, I’d look at my other eyeball with my good eye. It would be in a jar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If footballs were the size of acorns, they’d be easy to lose in the forest. Virginity is also easy to lose in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
