“Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it… — Jarod Kintz Benches Copy Share Image
“We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture… — Jarod Kintz Bigfoot Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“When I see a rainbow, I think of God’s promise and how He’s keeping it. Then I remember the promise I made… — Jarod Kintz Promise Copy Share Image
“Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same,… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery.… — Jarod Kintz Joy Copy Share Image
“In Bougainville, the only flower that grows is the Bougainvillea. In Gainesville, the only thing that ever gets lost are gains. In… — Jarod Kintz Gardening Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my… — Jarod Kintz Home improvement Copy Share Image
“How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature… — Jarod Kintz Cyclops Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free… — Jarod Kintz Free love Copy Share Image
“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.” — Jarod Kintz Eternity Copy Share Image
“A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lawyer’s name is Mr. Dentist. I have him on retainer. The police may think I’m crooked, but my teeth sure are… — Jarod Kintz Crooked teeth Copy Share Image
“A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing.… — Jarod Kintz Mafia Copy Share Image
“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there… — Jarod Kintz Beautiful woman Copy Share Image
“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would… — Jarod Kintz Saving Lives Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Bicycles Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for… — Jarod Kintz Bald eagle Copy Share Image
