“The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through… — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me. ” — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I got into a car accident. My car was so damaged it changed from white to a purple bruise color.” — Jarod Kintz Accident Copy Share Image
“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t… — Jarod Kintz Running Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on… — Jarod Kintz Skateboard Copy Share Image
“Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Chameleon Copy Share Image
“I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.” — Jarod Kintz Undressing Copy Share Image
“The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a… — Jarod Kintz Scar Copy Share Image
“Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I’m trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll bet if I write a sentence and mention the word “edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used instead of a blindfold when kidnapping someone. And the trunk of your car could be rented out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The lawyer said he couldn’t take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.” — Jarod Kintz Lawyer Copy Share Image
“Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love… — Jarod Kintz Gold medal Copy Share Image
“It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.” — Jarod Kintz Rainbows Copy Share Image
“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Flip flops Copy Share Image
“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Fingers, or Frida Kahlo?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a billowy white cloud exploded, that’d be close to what my love looks like. The only difference is my love has… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try… — Jarod Kintz Affection Copy Share Image
“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what to say, so I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
