“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.” — Jarod Kintz Blushing Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think astronaut's helmets need to have Viking horns affixed to the side, to let any aliens we might encounter know that… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t… — Jarod Kintz Camel Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the dollar as the world’s reserve currency. Don’t laugh, because at least the brick is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Cold shoulder Copy Share Image
“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”… — Jarod Kintz Bartender Copy Share Image
“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She wasn’t gung ho, but she was Gung’s ho. There’s no love lost between them, because I found it all and sold… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom.… — Jarod Kintz Topless Copy Share Image
“I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.” — Jarod Kintz Water Copy Share Image
“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in… — Jarod Kintz Disguise Copy Share Image
“If you can hear me, brush your teeth as a sign and signal. This will let me know you know, and it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sign on the side of the highway said “Shoulder Work,” and I thought, “I could go for a massage right now.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the… — Jarod Kintz Blushing Copy Share Image
“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A miracle every day would cease to be miraculous—it would be mundane. Though even a boring sunset is still glorious.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the choir in kissing. Too bad there’s no sing in fornicating. But that doesn’t stop me from hiring a hummer.” — Jarod Kintz Choir Copy Share Image
“How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my… — Jarod Kintz Home improvement Copy Share Image
“I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free… — Jarod Kintz Free love Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature… — Jarod Kintz Cyclops Copy Share Image
