I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No...… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I feel like we can prove in real time the old trope that comedy is tragedy plus time. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Over the years, I managed to develop this comedy career, went from opening act to headliner at comedy clubs, to playing concert… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
The Comedy Central CDs combined with the TV specials are what led to my stuff being traded and passed around, and a… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“Looking back on it, could there possible have been a more confusing acronym for trying to keep kids from experimenting with drugs… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it.” — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal'… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
When I was starting out, I thought I would go into comedy and there would be a mentor, like the Philip Seymour… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Once you start writing something obsessively, it's almost like someone has to rip it from your hands in order for you to put it… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I think because I've been working in front of audiences for so many years, I'm able to take in the input, good or bad,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Media is so weird; everything is so accessible now. It used to be this thing where, if you did something on 'This American Life,'… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
As artists, we'd all love to not be commercial - to not sell out to the full extent that we are able. But you… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
