I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal'… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No...… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!"… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Once you start writing something obsessively, it's almost like someone has to rip it from your hands in order for you to put it… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
I think because I've been working in front of audiences for so many years, I'm able to take in the input, good or bad,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
Media is so weird; everything is so accessible now. It used to be this thing where, if you did something on 'This American Life,'… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
As artists, we'd all love to not be commercial - to not sell out to the full extent that we are able. But you… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share
