The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
