It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
