I don't resent at all people saying, 'Oh, he's like a sweetheart'... but within comedy, it's a very funny way to talk… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
This ain't Facebook... It's More like fuckbook... Sneakbook... Try to cheat n creepbook... lookbook... I don't like that hoe but I'm gone… — Bonita Bryant Morris Copy Share Image
Regha called this life's like an ice cream, so quickly melt than freeze, if it runs out, we can buy again. But… — F's Copy Share Image
The 3 most difficult things to do in life. 1) Count your hair 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap 3)… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and… — Jennifer Coolidge Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Dear iPhone, I have typed hahaha like a million times, yet you continually give me hagaha, bahaha, gagaha... I hate you. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
“Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me." Granny Lassiter… — Tracie Peterson Copy Share Image
“Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning." "Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to… — Elizabeth Sharp Copy Share Image
“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it… — Jim Carrey Copy Share Image
To all the students who drop out and fail high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't… — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
That's the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it's easy to connect the dots. To see exactly… — Rebecca Serle Copy Share Image
People used to be funny about approaching me, but now they seem to think I'm as sane as anyone who's done what… — Philip Seymour Hoffman Copy Share Image
People who use their erudition to write for a learned minority... don't seem to me favored by fortune but rather to be… — Desiderius Erasmus Copy Share Image
When my tweet doesn't get RTed I whisper I don't care what they say. I'm in love with you & kiss the… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Justin's new album is finally out.i'm so proud of him. he worked so hard. :') now I just gotta wait till my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you are funny, people will like you. A lot of advertising is based on this simple rule. The Tory MP Boris… — Peter Hitchens Copy Share Image
Dear crush,don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on christmas eve after all you were… — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone… — Mary Roach Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
R.I.P to my Ex...the funeral will be held at Never Again Baptist Church, located across from The Lies You Told Cemetery, on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny, oftentimes the really great roles that I enjoy are in classic plays, and there aren't many theatres in New York… — Laila Robins Copy Share Image
“I'm sorry I have issues with my boyfriend doing other men. I'm sorry I have issues with me doing other men. Why… — Laurell K. Hamilton Copy Share Image
“If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.” — Peter Boghossian Copy Share Image
Comedy is one genre that I really want to come my way because I was loved for my funny character in 'Khiladi… — Himesh Reshammiya Copy Share Image
“That's good," Hunter said, panting. "Keep grinning at your attacker like that and they'll think you're way creepy. And mental." I grinned… — Alyxandra Harvey Copy Share Image
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
I remember seeing McCoy Tyner in concert, and thinking that the music was incredible, but wanting to be invited in. I figured… — John Lurie Copy Share Image
ªTurnoff¬ when a female treat me like a I'm female...i was at da club in this female came up to me in… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
It is so cool to think that there are two female, Indian actresses on prime-time American network television who are considered attractive… — Hannah Simone Copy Share Image
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. — Navjot Singh Sidhu Copy Share Image
People just want to have a bit of fun, something uplifting, funny, that's got a melody to it. That's what we try… — Michael Dapaah Copy Share Image
It's funny how much the lie of a life after life works with people. Even people who are non-believers seem to think… — Gaspar Noe Copy Share Image
“Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could… — Jane Costello Copy Share Image
