Funny Quotes · Page 83

No far from it. Faaaaarrr from that.

— Manti Te'o

Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.

— Addison Mizner

Your wedding gift will be our travel expenses.

— Anonymous

Walk it how I talk it, so I talk it how I live it.

— Wiz Khalifa

God warned me. He told me to build a boat...

— Noah

Jihad will continue even if I am not around.

— Osama bin Laden

HUSBAND, A man who has to grow old alone;

— Nikhil Saluja

The Road has two rules only: begin and continue.

— Christmas Humphreys

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

— Jarod Kintz

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

— Woody Allen

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

— Steve Martin

I can't wait for your wedding reception to show everyone why I'm divorced.

— Anonymous

There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week.

— Jeff Daniels

When I read messages from my friends, I read them in my mind using their voice.

— Abhishek Tiwari

For life in general, there is but one decree; youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.

— Benjamin Disraeli

Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him

— Murray Walker

Pops added,you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve. And if you do, you never get…

— Anonymous

One thing about D.C. that's funny to me is that you end up running into famous political figures who you've seen on…

— Maz Jobrani

What is a college? An institute of learning. What is a business? An institute of learning. Life, itself, is an institute of…

— Thomas A. Edison

He who keeps danger in mind, is he who will rest safe in his seat; he who keeps ruin in mind, is…

— Confucius

Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I…

— Ernie J Zelinski

My 'Dunkirk' co-star Harry Styles deals with some crazy fan stuff, but he's a very down-to-earth, lovely, funny guy.

— Fionn Whitehead

Every apostle or disciple, as much as they're running to follow their savior- they're running just as hard to escape something else.

— Chuck Palahniuk

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again.…

— Jerry Seinfeld

You cannot change what you will not confront.

— T. D. Jakes

Non cogitant, ergo non sunt.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

My toughest opponent has always been me.

— Muhammad Ali

I don't know anything and neither do you.

— Frank Ocean

I never thought I was funny.

— Peyton List

IT'S funny. It doesn't work the other way round !

— Richard Madeley

Old ugly is better than old nothin'

— Darrell Royal

Hey baby nice ass, wanna get lunch sometime?

— Punkinhead Abhishek

The more you expose, the less personal it becomes

— Phoebe Gloeckner

Buy a business, don't rent stocks.

— Warren Buffett

Investigate what is, and not what pleases.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Better Counsel comes overnight.

— Doris Lessing

Baby, you're a firework! Explode

— Kapil Choudhary

I started writing every day. I never stopped.

— Ray Bradbury

I say no when Dora asks for my help. THUG LIFE.

— Anonymous

You're so full of shit Porta Potties get jealous!

— Brian Zilinek