Funny Quotes · Page 321

Friends are like potatoes. I don't have any potatoes.

— Anonymous

Women have to support other women.

— Hillary Clinton

Many things are possible. Few things are certain.

— Harry Turtledove

..to know a little about a lot.

— Anonymous

Never buy anything that eats while you sleep.

— William Shatner

That's what Tiggers do best!

— A. A. Milne

“Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.”

— H.M. Ward

If I was your coworker, I'd sexually harass you.

— Anonymous

AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.

— Richard Lerner

Sorry facebook, twitter and I have a better relationship

— Mee

We live only to dance. If living were not an essential prerequisite, we would abstain.

— Toni Bentley

When someone says great minds think alike I just look at them and think you dirty bastard.

— Unknow

Our success and happiness depends not on simply knowing where we stand, but in where we are wanting to go.

— Bill Crawford

I'll call it a smart phone the day I yell, Where's my phone?! and it answers, I'm here! Under your bed!

— Kollkid

I wish I had funny dreams. My dreams are rare and inevitably end in my own death.

— Mike Wozniak

They are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

I think the amazing thing about 'Twin Peaks' was that it completely changed television from that point forward. It showed everyone that…

— Madchen Amick

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a…

— Frank Carson

LOVE, A temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred…

— Nikhil Saluja

It's funny: one of the strongest parts of my game today is heading, and that only really developed when I started playing…

— Vincent Kompany

I always felt like the best comedy came out of sadness, and some of my favourite shows growing up - a lot…

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just…

— Steven Wright

Nevertheless, in order to imbue civilization with sound principles and enliven it with the spirit of the gospel, it is not enough…

— Pope John XXIII

“In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/…

— Harlan Coben

Italy cannot beat you but you can lose to Italy.

— Johan Cruijff

To be fortunate is God, and more than God to mortals.

— Aeschylus

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

— Plato

What we learn to do, we learn by doing.

— Thomas Jefferson

Catch someone doing something right.

— Ken Blanchard

Astrology is not an art, it is a disease.

— Maimonides

If you let them kill you, they will

— Charles Bukowski

Repeat after me: 'I am doing the best that I can.'

— Debra Messing

You can't start a movement, but you can prepare for one

— Vincent Harding

Deaths have benefits. They can fertilise the ground.

— Mao Zedong

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

— George Carlin

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

— Fran Lebowitz

Until I truly loved, I was alone.

— Caroline Norton

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

— Anonymous

You cannot learn to curse like an American.

— Nathan Englander

Curiosity is the beginning of all wisdom.

— Francoise Sagan