That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
