I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“Some of the best nights in your life will never make it onto your Wikipedia page. Stop worrying about your credits and… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
