Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate? — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial.… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary,… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual,… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share
