I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
