You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
We have a gameshow called survivor in this country. It's a game in our country. Where you can win a million dollars… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
![“I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.” quote by Daniel Tosh](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/2b7/daniel-tosh-1624_bed_i-m-a-homer-so-the-closer-i-perform-to-m_1450347.png)
