I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Romance works because ladies love dumb stuff and they are easily swayed by meaningless gestures. That's why all dudes have the same… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
