I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not?… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
