Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I never give a girl my number. Instead I hand her a bottle containing a note and tell her to throw it… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
