High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share
