Quote by Jim Gaffigan

““I have done extensive research and, almost universally, found that the people who view my blurbs and observations as “anti-family” are dicks.””

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

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“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

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I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

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Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

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“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

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