Quote by Emo Philips

“My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.”

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More by Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…

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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

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Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…

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I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…

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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…

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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…

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Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…

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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

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