Robert Schimmel

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

— Robert Schimmel

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, 'Sure. You first.'

— Robert Schimmel

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

— Robert Schimmel

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

— Robert Schimmel

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

— Robert Schimmel

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.'…

— Robert Schimmel

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if its a pit…

— Robert Schimmel

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, 'Rub…

— Robert Schimmel

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit…

— Robert Schimmel

I took my kid to the circus. 'How do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?' 'It's easy, honey, they…

— Robert Schimmel

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds…

— Robert Schimmel

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then…

— Robert Schimmel

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why…

— Robert Schimmel

I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady…

— Robert Schimmel

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a…

— Robert Schimmel

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll…

— Robert Schimmel

You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to…

— Robert Schimmel

One of my friends goes: 'So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed.' Yeah I tried…

— Robert Schimmel

Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God…

— Robert Schimmel

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had.…

— Robert Schimmel

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get…

— Robert Schimmel

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: 'You're in me.' I know where I am, shut the…

— Robert Schimmel

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But…

— Robert Schimmel

When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dicks in the Witness Protection Program. 'Dick? I dont know nobody named Dick.'

— Robert Schimmel

What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: 'Daddy, how do they…

— Robert Schimmel

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on…

— Robert Schimmel

So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since…

— Robert Schimmel