« All Off Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Off Quotes by Jack Handey
- Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you…
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been…
- I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out…
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have…
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch…
- The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see,…
- I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try…
- You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way…
- If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get…
- I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun…
- Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him…
- I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little…
- If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into…
- I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you…
- If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
More Off Quotes
- When a tradition gathers enough strength to go on for centuries, you don't just turn it off one day. — Chinua Achebe
- There are times when a leader must move out ahead of the flock, go off in a new direction, confident that he… — Nelson Mandela
- Some people will go to the opening of an envelope. They live their lives in the public eye and get off on… — Jensen Ackles
- What I respect in people more than anything is work ethic. And Justin Timberlake's got that. He works his tail off, and… — Amy Adams
- Putting on weight is easy all the way through. But after the first couple of weeks, the novelty wears off very quickly,… — Christian Bale
- If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and… — Lewis Black
- Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer… — Arthur Conan Doyle
- No matter how many times I witness the miracle of someone having their sight restored, I'm still overwhelmed with emotion. When the… — Gabi Hollows