Jokes Quotes

2488 quotes by 1346 authors

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. — Jon Stewart
Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidney. I'm so tired. But when you're having dinner with your… — Gwyneth Paltrow
I need to make an okay living. The people who work for us need to. But after you make a comfortable living, how much more… — Craig Newmark
This is a funny story. We'd asked the guards every day for cappuccino. You know, just as a joke. And they'd come in with their… — Martha Stewart
They can crack jokes. They can sit back and analyze and criticize and make all the fun they want. But I'm living my life, I'm… — Kai Greene
My dad used to say 'Always fight fire with fire,' which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade. — Harry Hill
We're all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually… — Joshua Foer
Jokes aside, let us turn to serious matters. — Horace
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. — Joan Rivers
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell — Garry Shandling
I tell jokes to pay my green fees. — Bob Hope
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my… — Wendy Liebman
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover. — Dorothy Fuldheim
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. — Jack Handey
Many people think sports are totally physical, that you don't have to think, everything is done for you and you're catered to, I found that… — Julius Erving
So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the… — Aziz Ansari
... she, that will with kittens jest, Should bear a kitten's joke. — William Cowper
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. — Billy Connolly

Who Wrote These Jokes Quotes

1,346 authors contributed a total of 2,488 Jokes Quotes, led by these top contributors: