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Him Quotes by Jack Handey
- I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because…
- My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our…
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped…
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up…
- If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
- Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of…
- I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling…
- It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny…
- I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before…
- If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say,…
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't…
More Him Quotes
- I'm hoping someday that some kid, black or white, will hit more home runs than myself. Whoever it is, I'd be pulling… — Hank Aaron
- I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. — Aristotle
- A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler… — Aristotle
- Yes, all fundamentalists feel that in a secular society, God has been relegated to the margin, to the periphery and they are… — Karen Armstrong
- There is in every madman a misunderstood genius whose idea, shining in his head, frightened people, and for whom delirium was the… — Antonin Artaud
- To insult someone we call him 'bestial. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult. — Isaac Asimov
- Today, the Iraqi citizen sees that America is coming and wants to occupy his country and kill him, and he is willing… — Bashar al-Assad
- If a superior give any order to one who is under him which is against that man's conscience, although he do not… — Francis of Assisi