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Got Quotes by Jack Handey
- Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can…
- I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.…
- It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto…
- Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
- If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get…
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go…
- I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed.…
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I…
- The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind…
- The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
- If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on…
- I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I…
- Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,…
- When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs…
- If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker…
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we…
More Got Quotes
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- The ability of a television series to make adjustments is something you've got to take advantage of. — J. J. Abrams
- I really enjoy being single again. I spent a lot of time in a relationship and the nearer we came to the… — Dido Armstrong
- If we want to create a viable, peaceful world, we've got to integrate compassion into the gritty realities of 21st century life. — Karen Armstrong
- When I was a little kid - and even still - I loved magic tricks. When I saw how movies got made… — J. J. Abrams
- Zionism was originally a rebellion against religious Judaism and the PLO Charter was essentially secularist. But because the conflict was allowed to… — Karen Armstrong
- Winning is about heart, not just legs. It's got to be in the right place. — Lance Armstrong
- We all do 'do, re, mi,' but you have got to find the other notes yourself. — Louis Armstrong