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Going Quotes by Jack Handey
- I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that…
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people…
- After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey,…
- Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national…
- Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that…
- If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
- If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or…
- If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
- During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go…
- I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed.…
- When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but…
- Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S…
- It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were…
- I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred…
- If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going…
More Going Quotes
- I believe that the whole idea of the consumer society is tottering. We've kept ourselves going by producing more and more goods,… — Paul Auster
- You can never guess or assume what anyone is going to think. — J. J. Abrams
- I'm going to insult a whole industry here, but it seems like TV is for people who can't do film. I'm not… — Kevyn Aucoin
- Dreams are what keep us going when real life lets us down. — Nishan Panwar
- I'd take precision any day over power; as far as being tactical you know you have to see what's going on in… — Alexis Arguello
- A lot of punk rock is not going to be in the mainstream. It's below the radar. The beauty of it is… — Billie Joe Armstrong
- I don't miss anything ever. Because to me, missing something is like going backward a little bit. I don't miss being in… — Fred Armisen
- I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what's on my mind, and then get nine texts… — Kate Beckinsale