« All Funny Quotes · Jay Leno's Page
Funny Quotes by Jay Leno
- Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
- According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider…
- Contact with the customer is what business is all about.
- It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean,…
- I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead,…
- The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three…
- Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
- The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
- If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
- The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Politics is just show business for ugly people.
- If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
- Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
- Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
- My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!
- Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
- A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give…
More Funny Quotes
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and… — Francis Bacon
- I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what's on my mind, and then get nine texts… — Kate Beckinsale