« All Funny Quotes · Eddie Izzard's Page
Funny Quotes by Eddie Izzard
- Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.
- I'd like to have sex with myself.
- I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!
- "I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?"…
- No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea.…
- There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
- I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
- Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis…
- Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
- I am two lesbians in a man's body.
- There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
- Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even…
- Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them…
- Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"
- And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
- I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Never put a sock in a toaster.
- I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
- I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
- If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
- I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the…
- But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who…
- They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.
- I'm a one-man idiot.
- They say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think…
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin