Comedy Quotes

2637 Comedy quotes by 1344 unique authors

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it. — Jack Whitehall
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old? — Whitney Cummings
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which… — Frankie Boyle
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up… — Sam Kinison
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look… — Frankie Boyle
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. — Jack Handey
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol — Jimmy Carr
This is a pie chart about procrastination. — Demetri Martin
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache. — Katt Williams
My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up… — Dara O Briain
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes. — Garrison Keillor
We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts. — George Lopez
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God,… — Ellen DeGeneres
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead? — Jack Whitehall
I am two lesbians in a man's body. — Eddie Izzard
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time. — Gabriel Iglesias
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?' — Gabriel Iglesias
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns. — Dara O Briain
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even… — Eddie Izzard
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you.… — Eddie Murphy

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: