Comedy Quotes

2637 Comedy quotes by 1344 unique authors

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore… — Gabriel Iglesias
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest." — Jimmy Carr
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for… — Louis C. K.
I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's little poverty -… — Dara O Briain
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. — Dara O Briain
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy… — Demetri Martin
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them. — Sarah Silverman
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he… — Mitch Hedberg
You exaggerate your own reactions. — Dylan Moran
When someone close to you dies, move seats. — Jimmy Carr
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth. — Louis C. K.
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick? — Jimmy Carr
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour. — Richard Pryor
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with… — Noel Fielding
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult… — Demetri Martin
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. — Bo Burnham
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. — Louis C. K.
I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times. — Jack Whitehall
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she… — Jimmy Carr
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them… — Eddie Izzard
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... — Daniel Tosh
Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously? — Jim Jefferies

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: