Comedy Quotes

2637 Comedy quotes by 1344 unique authors

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! — Rodney Dangerfield
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta… — Ted Alexandro
What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant. — Dave Chappelle
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. — Milton Jones
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We… — Milton Jones
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs. — Milton Jones
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family. — Milton Jones
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How… — Ellen DeGeneres
How the hell do you wake up dead? — Kevin Hart
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. — Ellen DeGeneres
I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. — Jim Carrey
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not… — Ellen DeGeneres
Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes… — Dylan Moran
My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven. — Kevin Hart
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take… — Zach Galifianakis
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. — Zach Galifianakis
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago! — Bill Cosby
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. — Robin Williams
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea.… — Eddie Izzard
Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks! — Dave Chappelle

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: