Comedy Quotes

2637 quotes by 1344 authors

Being on a comedy tour is like traveling with family, everyone is all having a great time... then all of a sudden it turns sour.… — Steve Harvey
My new movie, Fools Rush In, is a romantic comedy and the girl I play in that is very warm, very sweet. — Salma Hayek
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.… — Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. — Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking… — Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. — Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. — Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' — Mitch Hedberg
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. — Mitch Hedberg
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I… — Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of… — Mitch Hedberg
I was very influenced by the musicals and romantic comedies of the 1930s. I admired Gene Harlow and such, which probably explains why, since the… — Hugh Hefner
I'd like to do 'My Best Friend's Wedding,' 'Pretty Woman,' Meg Ryan type stuff. Romantic comedies. I'd love to do some action stuff as well. — Jennifer Love Hewitt
I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. My middle name is Love. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I want to have a family and… — Jennifer Love Hewitt
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. — Bill Hicks
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day. — Bill Hicks
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band. — Bill Hicks
I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me. — Bill Hicks
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. — Bill Hicks

Who Wrote These Comedy Quotes

1,344 authors contributed a total of 2,637 Comedy Quotes, led by these top contributors: