Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!'…
• Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.
• Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ...
• Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.
• If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed…
• I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote
• Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
• I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
• If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
• Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.
• Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
• Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
• If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
• I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
• Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
• Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our…
• Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
• The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
• Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
• The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

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