Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
• My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
• This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and…
• My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed…
• That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and…
• The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.
• There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
• Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape…
• Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
• No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up…
• I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A lot of people…
• Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
• I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they…
• Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
• Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears.…
• And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's…
• Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.
• And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me…
• Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused…
• I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque…

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