Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
• It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
• Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandin g.
• Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours
• We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans…
• Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics.
• If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.
• When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
• And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate…
• Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.
• Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.
• Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
• Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.
• Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.
• I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.
• Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
• We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.
• Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
• I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
• I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

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